The Necessity of Working with Adults

Whether we are a parent, a childcare provider, or a teacher, our work with children necessarily involves developing ongoing relationships with adults--partners, parents, and colleagues. We seek interactions with other adults because, in them, we find a sense of camaraderie. We commiserate over the trials of potty training and the tribulations of defiant behavior. We congratulate one another regarding the triumphs of the first steps, the first words, and the first amazing ideas that sprout from our children's minds. We look forward to this sort of engagement; wherein, we acknowledge our similar experiences with children. 

Additionally, adults help us to register our ever-changing sense of self. Through sharing experiences with adults, we gain a feeling for how we are growing over the course of time--the capacities that we are building, the skills that we are bringing to the table, and the challenges that still lie before us. While children naturally view us as a loving authority with immense capacity, adults are additionally aware of the myriad of ways in which we are striving. In other words, adults more clearly see our failings--our repeated attempts that don't quite meet our desired outcomes. This "record of the ways in which we are growing" is a valuable perspective, particularly when this point of view is offered with love and respect. As adults, we can gently hold a history of each other, in which we recognize each other's continuous efforts to amend ourselves. For example, we can notice when a parent/teacher is striving to overcome a habit from their own childhood--for example, how they engage with discipline. We can bear loving witness to their efforts to overcome an undermining habit and replace it with a more authentic and intentional style of parenting/teaching. This transition from an undesired habit to the adoption of a desired practice takes time, and there will be many moments of failing forward--missing the mark, while still generally heading toward the goal. We adults have the ability to track each other's efforts, to acknowledge progress, and to encourage continued resolution toward the goal. This type of adult recognition feels vital and healthy. 

However, we don't always choose this kind of loving observation and reflection. Instead, we often thoughtlessly record each other's failures without a context of generosity. For instance, we see the parent/teacher falling into a habit (momentarily forgetting to cultivate the ideal intentions), and we judge that person by recording that misstep within a list of similar failed attempts. We forget the other adult's steady trajectory toward a goal; we only acknowledge the failure. This is still a sort of history that is being recorded about the adult, but it feels troubling with so little compassion.  

This is quite the conundrum. On one hand, we need adult perspectives to help track our evolving sense of self. On the other hand, we often provide each other with reflections that lack kindness--leading us to protect ourselves, even distance ourselves from each other. The puzzle further complicates when we consider how we have zero agency over how others perceive us or offer us their perspectives. Just as we cannot coerce another adult into preferring the color purple or enjoying our favorite book, neither can we compel another adult to see us in "our best light."  

We DO still have many choices:

• We can choose how we receive and organize the perceptions that others provide for us. If an observation seems overly harsh, then we can first give ourselves the generosity that we need. "I am not perfect, but I am trying. I am learning and making incremental progress." Then, we can perhaps try to find even a tiny bit of truth in their observation. "Yes, I am still working on _____."

• We can observe other adults with compassion.

• We can remember that we are working on ourselves over the long course of time--that transformation typically doesn't happen overnight.  

• We can grant other adults an unlimited amount of time to work on themselves.

• We can feel safe as we ourselves to "fail forward", and we can invite others to share this freedom.

• We can be grateful for what our mistakes teach us.  
  

  
  

  

  
  

Our lives with children may be able to support our growing awareness of these many attitudes and actions that can lead us toward healthy relationships with adults. We tend to offer children considerable compassion and time to learn how to move through the world, and we certainly acknowledge when they meet milestones. Without infantilizing but, instead, with a sense of awe and reverence for the adults in our lives who are actively changing in our midst, we can enliven our work with adults.