Parenting The Nine Year Old

Parents of nine-year-olds often wonder, "What is happening to my child?" Children at this age may suddenly become very critical and argumentative, or very moody and withdrawn. Nightmares, irrational fears, headaches, and stomachaches often arise. Some children feel as if no one at school likes them, and others become suddenly self-conscious about being rich, poor, or otherwise "different." Parents may be accused of being unfair or of not understanding, as the child rushes off to the bedroom and slams the door.

Searching for an explanation for these changes in behavior, parents sometimes blame a new teacher, a recent move, changes in the family such as a separation or the birth of a sibling, or simply "growing pains." An understanding of what is actually taking place can help us avoid needless worry and provide the support and guidance that children need during this time.

What Is Happening?

The special needs of the nine year old are the result of an important change in consciousness that marks the end of early childhood and the transition to a new developmental phase. Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, states, "In the ninth year the child really experiences a complete transformation of its being, which indicates an important transformation of its soul-life and its bodily-physical experiences."

Earlier, before the age of five or so, the child has a more dreamlike consciousness in which the outer world and inner experiences tend to flow together. Outer events are not "observed" but rather are "discovered" through unconscious imitation. Whereas babies learn nearly everything through imitation, kindergarten age children continue to imitate many aspects of their world, such as the movements of the teacher or parent.

While the power of imitation is so strong, the child feels united with the world and experiences no sense of aloneness. But with the loss of this power around the age of nine, the child feels separated from the world. Something that was previously hidden and slumbering begins to awaken. Nine year olds suddenly have a strong experience of themselves as separate beings, with new feelings of distance from the world and other people. This sense of self, first experienced around age two and a half, recurs now in a much deeper way, as the inner emotional life of the child begins to mature.

Although children react differently to leaving the sweet, dreamlike world of early childhood, one response is nearly universal: children become much more conscious of their surroundings. You will probably find that what was once passed by unnoticed is suddenly focused on and questioned. This awakening to the world may be met with sharp criticism or quiet astonishment, depending on the child's temperament.

A critical child may notice whether the statements people make are grounded in the real world or are a veneer. He or she may begin to question parents and teachers, wondering, "How do they know everything?" and indeed, "Do they really know everything?" Something in the child is seeking reassurance that the authority of the adult will stand the test of quality, that it is properly founded in life, and that it carries an inner certainty.

In contrast, another child may become more withdrawn and start to look under the bed at night, or may have frequent stomachaches in response to this new sense of being alone. Parents whose children suddenly want to be alone often feel as if they are "losing" their children, as if the children no longer want to share their developing inner worlds. This is a time when intimations of mortality and death can enter a child's consciousness. Religious questions and concerns about good and evil may also emerge with the child's increased self-awareness and sense of choice and responsibility.

Usually, within six months after the ninth birthday (and sometimes earlier), children are profoundly aware of this new sense of separateness between the self and the outer world. As the "I" penetrates into awareness, children begin to experience themselves as self-contained beings. They often feel as though they are in a threshold situation, poised, as it were, on the cusp of their own destiny. A 70-year-old woman wrote of this time in her life: "In this year I had a significant I-experience. I had just come from school in the city and had to change trams. In this moment of waiting, the complete certainty came to me that now all of life lay before me and that I was the one who must travel it."

Essentially, the nine year old is experiencing a need to find his or her own identity, to become a separate individuality, able to confront the outer world. Ideally, the child comes through this difficult time with a sense of connection with his or her higher self, a kind of "knowing" that will remain even after the heightened awareness is integrated.

My son spent many difficult months in the throes of the "nine-year change." One night, as he popped out of bed for the third time, I had to muster great self-control to say, "What now?" "I'm glad I'm me!" he announced, radiating like the sun. He went on to explain, "It's just like the song 'You're at the Age of Not Believing!" The words of the Disney song ran through my mind: "You must face the age of not believing, doubting everything you ever knew. Until at last you start believing, there's something wonderful in you" We all shared in his joy and thanked God that family life could once again return to normal.

Parenting Tips

What can you do to help your child through this important turning point?

• Understand what is happening. When both parents, or parents together with teachers, consider the child's real needs, they can provide a sense of balance. Be patient and keep a healthy perspective—this, too, shall pass. Ten is a wonderfully harmonious age, a time of "leveling off" before adolescence, when the next intensifying of self-consciousness occurs.

• Be willing to let your child have an inner emotional life. Accept that you cannot "fix" it, and honor the need for privacy or sudden impatience with a younger sibling. Agree to let go and tolerate distance. Your relationship is changing and will improve again once alterations have been completed. Remain nearby with understanding and reassurance and love.

• Recognize that the mind and body are interconnected. Fears and headaches (or stomachaches) should not be dismissed as imaginary, but neither need they be given excessive importance. Acknowledgement without indulgence may be the tightrope you need to walk during these transitional months.

• Share your thoughts with your child about events that go beyond the everyday affairs of life. At the same time, be careful not to provide limiting "answers" or definitions that cannot grow within your child. When asked about topics such as God or death, share your own striving to understand, remembering that images and pictures have a stronger impact than do dry explanations. Many great teachings have been conveyed through parables.

• Have faith in self-healing and in your child's ability to come through this phase. Support whatever artistic activities attract your child-writing poetry, keeping a diary, drawing or painting, or playing music. Also accept that he or she may want to keep the process or the creations "private."

• Support your child's interest in the world by providing opportunities to build things, visit a farm, plant a garden, do work in the real world. Encourage a connection with the plant and animal kingdoms and with simple, creative human endeavors. (The abstract sciences and the world of technology are best reserved for adolescence, when abstract thinking and critical judgment start to mature.)

• Nourish your child with stories that illustrate the interconnectedness of life and the powers of fate and destiny. The story of Joseph and his coat of many colors expresses how a dream can herald both one's destiny and the patience that is needed to see it manifest. In the curriculum of the Waldorf schools, the Old Testament stories are told in third grade because they mirror the inner state of the nine-year-old child. The creation story, for example, describes the child's own experience of leaving the paradisiacal realm of early childhood, acquiring new self-awareness, and accepting the added dimensions of choice and increasing responsibility for one's actions. The heroic tales of the Norse myths, told in fourth grade, depict the exploits of the new ego in larger-than-life fashion.

• Recognize your child's need to establish a new respect for adult authority, a respect that extends beyond the blind acceptance of early childhood. Offer encouragement by honoring your child's new relationship with a teacher or other important adults. Steiner states, "What matters is that at this moment in life the child can find someone—whether this be one person or possibly several persons is of less importance—whose picture it can carry through life." A child's parents can be this kind of authority, or a teacher or other adult.

Between Two Worlds

To grasp the magnitude of the changes occurring at age nine, contemplate the differences between the child of seven and the child of 12. The seven year old is often lighthearted and in constant movement. The limbs are active for learning; in contrast, the head is relatively large and still dreamy. Adult teeth are just beginning to come in. Emotions are easily influenced by impressions from the world, and tears change to smiles with relative ease.

The 12 year old, on the other hand, is entering puberty. The head is very awake for thinking, and the longer limbs seem heavy, tired, and often awkward to control. The child of 12 brings a great deal more to each experience, evoking a rich and sometimes overpowering inner emotional life. Physically, the sexual organs are beginning to mature.

The nine year old is midway between the world of early childhood and the world of adolescence. The physical and emotional changes we see are the outer manifestations of a tremendous change in consciousness that is occurring within the child's expanding inner life. The nine-year change catches many parents by surprise and sometimes throws us off balance. By understanding what the child is going through, however, we are better able to meet real developmental needs rather than react out of annoyance or discouragement.

Awakening to the world and a new sense of self brings with it a new need: to understand the real world of everyday life, while at the same time long for intimations of something beyond ordinary life. As parents and teachers, our task is to become loving authorities for the growing child, sharing both a true picture of the world and a sense of our own inner striving.

Notes

1. Quoted in Hermann Koepke, Das neunte Lebensjahr (Dornach, Switzerland: Philosophisch-Anthroposophischer Verlag, 1983), p. 41.

2. Ibid, pp. 32-33.

3. Rudolf Steiner, Soul Economy and Waldorf Education (Spring Valley, NY: Anthroposophic Press, 1986), p. 167.

For More Information

Branston, Brian. Gods & Heroes from Viking Mythology. New York: Schocken, 1982. Colum, Padraic. The Children of Odin: The Book of Northern Myths. New York: Macmillan, 1984.

Crossley-Holland, Kevin. The Norse Myths. New York: Pantheon, 1981.

de Paola, Tomie. Parables of Jesus. New York: Holiday House, 1987.

Horn, Geoffrey, and Arthur Cavanaugh, Bible Stories for Children. New York: Macmillan, 1980.

Stoddard, Sandol. The Doubleday Illustrated Children's Bible. New York: Doubleday & Company, 1983.

Wilkinson, Roy. Old Testament Stories and Commentary on the Old Testament Stories. These books are available from the author, at Forester's Cottage, Highgate, Forest Row, East Sussex RH18 5BA, Great Britain.

This article has been republished from Mothering magazine, the Summer 1989 issue.

Rahima Baldwin is a midwife, Waldorf educator, author of You Are Your Child's First Teacher (Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1989), and LifeWays educator.